How to Survive Christmas by Jilly Cooper

Author:Jilly Cooper [Cooper, Jilly]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2010-12-23T00:00:00+00:00

Nudist colony Christmas

STOCKINGS

My heart leaps up when I behold a reindeer in the sky

Now the children have broken up, it’s time for a trip to Santa’s Grotto. In Stroud it used to cost 50p for a visit and a present, and you could have your photo taken with Santa as well.

Playing Father Christmas these days is a pretty taxing job. In department stores, Santas must never ask a child how Mummy and Daddy are, because so many parents are divorced, and long explanations hold up the queue. Instead he must ask, ‘How are the folks?’ Nor must he say ‘Yo Ho Ho’ as it frightens the children; or mention chimneys because most kiddies haven’t got one; nor wear spectacles; and if asked where Rudolph is, he has to say ‘miles away’, or the kiddies will mob the car park looking for him.

The Santa School near Swindon insists on clean fingernails and no smoking or drinking because it makes the breath smell. Santas must also be hale enough to lift 200 children a day, and sharp enough to field requests like, ‘Can I have a racehorse?’ or ‘Will you bring me a twin baby sister?’

Santa’s life, in fact, is not a happy one. He often gets peed on, children make a point of stamping on his feet as they clamber on to his knee and, as one Father Christmas replied when asked why he was wearing shin pads: ‘If the little sods didn’t get something they asked for last year, they come back this year and kick the hell out of me.’

Stephen Pile had the wonderful fantasy that all Santas were members of the NUJ writing their Christmas pieces.

Occasionally Santa hits back. Last Christmas I saw one turning the air as blue as the flame round the Christmas pudding, because he couldn’t get a taxi in Piccadilly. Others, according to the Sunday Telegraph , have boxed the ears of recalcitrant children, fought among themselves over a street corner pitch, and been hauled up because they spent more time peering into the ladies changing rooms than dispensing Christmas cheer.

In Russia, where there is a five-rouble visiting Santa Service, he is called Father Frost. Usually he gets plastered on vodka tots on the way, and seldom makes later appointments. In Islington, most Santas are women who don’t need false beards.

Hardly surprisingly – not all children like the idea of the Red at the end of their bed. One little girl asked her mother to hang her stocking outside the door, as she didn’t want strange men in her room.

My niece, Clemency, was totally convinced from the age of four that Father Christmas was a member of the IRA and was absolutely terrified of him. According to my sister-in-law, ‘She not only wouldn’t hang her stocking in her room, but also barricaded both ends of the corridor. We used to dread Christmas in case she caught sight of Father Christmas in a shop, as she would dive under the counter, screaming at the top of her voice.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.